"Tell me where am I supposed to go and who am I supposed to believe.
If you only knew what I knew, then you could see just what I see"
- B.o.B (Ghost in the Machine)
Do you ever get that feeling where you're not sure who you really are, or even who you want to be. Today I feel like that.
See some years ago I thought I knew who I was, but really I didn't. There were things about me I didn't like and I wanted to change them and so I did, or at least tried. A couple of years later I'm still trying to find myself. I don't want to be like everyone else and I definitely am not. Sometimes I feel like I need too. Like I'm not enough as I am. I think it's awful that I sometimes feel like I need to party to not stand out like a loser. Like I have to like the same stuff everyone else does.
Like I'm not good enough.
I hate being insecure and mostly I pretend that I'm not. That's why people think I'm mean or intimidating. The truth is that I'm just scared. Scared to open up, to truly be me. Not that I'm sure who I really am. Everyday I want to be someone else.. One day I want to be on top of the world, the next just an ordinary girl who is satisfied with the little things.
I used to hate public affection, I'm still not the most cuddly person. Mostly I don't like people hugging and kissing me because I feel awkward, but every now and then I love hugging and kissing my friends, and in those moments I do it a lot. I mostly get those moments when I feel the most insecure about myself and need to reassure myself that my friends like me. I know pretty lame right? I do know what I like and what I don't like and who I wish to become, but I'm still growing up and often fail miserable at following the path I want to take. I make mistakes just as much as anyone else. I might be different in some things, like deciding to "torture" myself for 6 weeks in the hope of being one step closer to that self confidence I've been dreaming about all my life. I mean is it really that big of a deal if I don't eat unhealthy things or don't drink sodas? It's just me wanting to prove myself I can do it. It doesn't mean I'm going to be any different. Maybe a little crankier when other people eat that chocolate I can't have. LOL.
Something for me to think about -something for you to think about, for y'all to know me a little bit better -for me to learn to open up, maybe for me to read as an old lady what my 19 year old self thinks of herself - maybe for you to decide what you think of me or yourself.